We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
