I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
