I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
