That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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