Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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