I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I am midnight drunk by noon
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize