Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
