Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
