Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Watching her eat just hurts me
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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