He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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