Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
