I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
