i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
