tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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