My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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