In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
