my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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