You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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