Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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