He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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