i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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