TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
