Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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