i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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