We're facebook friends in real life
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
