WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
