i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
