After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it hurts more in the daytime
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
