there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
