I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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