Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
