chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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