You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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