Tell her she can't have a vagina
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
