I will die if light touches me.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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