you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
