Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
