Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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