dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
