I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
