I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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