Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm passing your future prison.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize