i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
