i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
