I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
