i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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