i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
