I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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