Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
