God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
