Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
