Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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