I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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