DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
