I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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