One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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