Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
