Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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