I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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