Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize