i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
