nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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