I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
