I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
