GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
