I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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