Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
