im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
